Insomnia
by Maureen Painted Green
Summary: Lorelai can't sleep. And contrary to popular belief, she knows exactly why. JavaJunkie. Two parts.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **The JavaJunkie fic that I always wished was out there. Chris and Lorelai are together for now, but there is minimal C/L, mainly because I have an intense hatred of Chris (see my other story, "The Many Deaths of Christopher Hayden" for details). It's set around 7.06, so Chris and Lorelai are NOT married (WHY OH WHY did they do that? Are they on crack?). Let this story be my rant against DR and everything he stands for.

**Disclaimer:** I have Lorelai's eyes. That's the ONLY thing I own.

**To the readers...**

Feel free to leave a comment that rants about Christopher, the lack of coffee this season, Lorelai's abrupt character shift, or the awesomeness of Luke. Rants make me happy.

Oh, and you can comment about the story too...

This story was written almost entirely during 6th hour U.S. History. If there are any continuity issues because of this, I apologize.

**Insomnia**

And if he wasn't the one she saw whenever she closed her eyes, if his voice wasn't the one ringing in her head, if his embrace couldn't comfort her, that was no one's fault but her own. She'd run away, and he hadn't come after her.

Rubbing her eyes, Lorelai slipped out of bed. It was five in the morning, hours before the old Lorelai would even have dreamed of getting up, but Lorelai didn't sleep much anymore. Sitting at the kitchen table, she stared at the coffee pot. Coffee had been her oxygen, but it seemed to have lost some of its magic after he left. She couldn't explain it, but somehow she needed to forget that person. That old Lorelai who had loved coffee. Who had laughed and smiled and joked. She had to forget HIM. She had to forget how happy she used to be, how safe she had felt in HIS arms. She knew that if she didn't, she would never be able to make this work.

"Lor?" She heard Christopher call. She wiped the tears that had started to fall from her eyes. She knew that Chris wouldn't notice the redness that still lingered. Or how thin she had gotten. She tensed as he placed his hand on her shoulder, but he didn't notice.

"Want some coffee?" He asked brightly. She shook her head.

"I have to go to the inn." She tried to justify, "Maybe I'll get some there."

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An hour later, Sookie arrived at the Dragonfly to find Lorelai already there.

"Lorelai?" She questioned. At first, Lorelai didn't notice her presence. She seemed to be lost in thought.

"Lorelai, what are you doing here this early?" Lorelai snapped out of her thoughts and noticed Sookie.

"Oh, I had a lot of work to do, so I figured that I'd get here early and check on the guests. Get ready for the new ones coming today..."

"Hon, there are only two guests here and no more coming in today. Why don't you go home, you're not looking too great." Sookie said, her voice concerned. Lorelai turned away, trying to hide from Sookie the tears that were forming in her eyes. When she was sure that Sookie was gone, she let them fall.

"What if I can't do that?" She whispered.

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Lorelai wandered around the inn for the rest of the day. At one point, Sookie tried to make her rest ("You look like you haven't slept in days!"), but Lorelai refused. She didn't want Sookie to know who haunted her dreams. Finally, Sookie just gave up.

"I'm going home, Lorelai, is there anything you want to talk about before we leave?" Sookie pleaded with her friend.

"No." Said Lorelai, just as stubborn as always.

"Don't stay here all night, Lorelai." Sookie gave in and left Lorelai alone with her thoughts.

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Those thoughts were interrupted about an hour later when the phone rang. It took a few minutes for Lorelai to locate the source of the disturbance. She was still a little out of it when she answered.

"Hello?" She inquired.

"Lorelai, where the hell are you?" Chris' angry voice brought her crashing back to reality.

"I'm at work, Chris, you of all people should know something about that!" She shot back.

"Oh, really. You're at work at 10:30 pm? Do you really think I'm that stupid, Lor? You haven't been home before 11 all week. You don't talk to me when you are here, you brush me off, what the hell do you think you're doing." There was a silence as Lorelai felt his words sink in.

"Well, thank you, Christopher, for sharing your incredibly high opinion of me. Actually, I am at work and I plan on staying here long enough for you to remove every trace of yourself from my house!"

"Lor, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it!"

"Well I did. Goodbye, Chris. Don't bother to write."

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Lorelai stayed at the inn that night. When she came home, Chris was gone. Lorelai smiled wryly. Christopher had never had enough spine to stand up to anyone, including her. She wasn't surprised to find that she felt no real pain about Christopher's departure. At this point, she realized that any feelings she may have had for him evaporated a long time ago.

She hadn't ever needed Chris, but her breakup with Luke had destroyed her, and it was nice to feel wanted. She had told herself that she really loved Chris, but in the quiet moments had trouble even believing it herself, much less convincing anyone else. She was back to square one. Back to that night in the therapist's car, where she had admitted that Luke was the only man she had ever loved. This time, though, she didn't even have him at all. The ultimatum had taken care of that.


	2. The Middle of the Night

**A/N:** Here's part two of two. Thanks to all who reviewed part one. Enjoy and feel free to review this part and maybe...just maybe...I'll write another chapter of complete fluff.

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Lorelai woke in the middle of the night again. She sighed, knowing that it was yet another night in which she wouldn't be able to sleep. DVDs and empty Chinese food cartons littered the room. A cardboard box labeled "Luke" lay open on the floor. It was empty. Lorelai surveyed he efforts with a resigned eye. Wonder Woman had met her match. Luke was the only guy she just couldn't get over. Her break-up DVDs didn't work. She had watched them all with him, had listened to his rants about them afterwards. Junk food did nothing for her either. She could hear his voice in her head, telling her that she would die before she reached forty. She was thirty-nine now, and suddenly death didn't seen so far away. Even her attempts to make a Luke box had failed. She couldn't make a Luke box because everything in her house, including the house itself reminded her of Luke. Everywhere around her, she saw the hours he spent working on her house, feeding her and Rory, making everything okay. And even if she could fit everything in a box, she wouldn't be able to put Luke's box in the closet with all the others. Luke was so monumental to her. He didn't belong in a closet, where she would never have to look at him, lumped in with all the men that hadn't been right for her. She deserved to be reminded every day of her life with this amazing man. Because even though she was heartbroken without him, he was the most incredible guy she had ever known.

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Luke wasn't doing much better. Sure, the diner was up and running again, but it didn't feel the same. Luke tried to blame it on Kirk's little accident, but he knew that wasn't the thing that made the diner feel so empty. He missed Lorelai. He missed the way she filled up the room with her excitement and energy. He missed her awful pop culture references. Hell, he even missed her atrocious eating habits. He felt hollow, like he was just a shell of the person he had been. He felt like the empty coffee maker, which he had not been able to use since he'd lost her. He missed just being the guy who poured her coffee. He wondered if she would still be here if that was all he'd even been to her. She was it for him and he'd known it all along. Without her, he was just the diner guy, to depressed to even yell at Taylor.

At night, after everyone had gone, he would close up the diner very slowly. He was in no hurry to get upstairs to his apartment, and all the memories it held. Often, he would escape and just go sit on the bridge, until he started drifting off. Then he would shuffle home, half asleep. He didn't sleep well these days.

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Lorelai felt sick. Not flu sick or cold sick. Just sick. Sick of life. Sick of memories. Sick of herself. She couldn't stand herself. She didn't want to be alone with herself. She tried to shut out all the voices in her head, tried to close her eyes to all the things that reminded her of Luke. Tried to stop his voice from ringing in her head. It was the same feeling she had experienced many years ago, when Rory was just a baby. When she had run away. She felt trapped. She felt buried and helpless. She couldn't stand to be in her house another minute. So she ran. She ran out the door, not even grabbing her shoes. She kept running, and when she couldn't run anymore, she stopped. She found herself on the bridge. The same one where Jess had been attacked by a swan. Of course, she didn't know that. She sat on the bridge, dangling her bare feet in the water. She shivered. It was getting colder now, and in her hurry to leave her house, she had forgotten her coat. She stared at the calm water, at the little ripples created by her toes. It was a while before she even realized she was crying.

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It was another sleepless night for Luke. The clock on his bedside table read 1:03. Frustrated, he dragged himself out of bed and walked to the pond. He was right beside the bridge before he realized that someone was already there.

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Lorelai was jolted from her reverie when she heard footsteps. She glanced behind her and froze. It was HIM.

"Luke?" She whispered.

"Lorelai?" He answered her. This brought her to tears once again. She loved the way he said her name. It was one of the things she had missed about him. And when he said it there on the bridge, it was an aching reminder of the life she had let slip away.

Luke looked at her for the first time in months. Their eyes met for a few seconds, before she looked away. _Was she crying?_ He wondered. It was too dark for him to tell.

"I didn't know you were here, Lorelai, or I wouldn't have some. You know that I..." He fell silent when she looked at him again. This time, she looked right at him, allowing him to see her pain. He saw in her eyes all the sleepless nights she had been through. Saw the loneliness that she had tried so hard to escape. He hated seeing her so completely destroyed. He wanted to run to her, to hold her. He wanted to wipe away her tears and tell her everything would be okay, but something stopped him.

"I'm sorry." She said finally, now piercing his heart with her blatant honesty. "I should have told you all along that I was hurting. I was afraid of losing you, Luke, but that doesn't excuse what I did. I felt like everything was slipping away from me, like I was losing control. And I was afraid that if I told you, you would think I was weak and you wouldn't want me anymore. I couldn't stand the thought of losing you again, of a life without you, so I didn't say anything. You don't deserve that, Luke, you deserve someone who's completely honest with you. You deserve some kind of angel."

"No, i don't Lorelai. I messed up so much. I didn't deserve _you._ I'm not some damn hero!"

"To me, you were. You are. You were the only hero I ever wanted. I worked so hard for everything in my life, Luke. Nothing was ever handed to me, but there you were, just waiting for me to realize that I needed you. I didn't know what to do, Luke, I've never needed anyone like that. It took me this long to see it, and I know it's too late for this now, but I love you. I've never really loved anyone else. And I know you regret all of this and you think it was a mistake, but you were the only man I ever saw myself spending the rest of my life with." Her voice broke and she turned away.

"Lorelai," He spoke, his voice heavy with emotion. He turned her face back towards him and looked into those deep blue eyes. "This was not a mistake. I don't regret a single moment that I've spent with you. From the moment you walked into the diner, you were special. You're an amazing woman in every possible way, Lorelai Gilmore. I'd be lying if I said I never loved you. If I said I didn't still love you."

She looked into his eyes and finally found what she was searching for. That little Lorelai glow that he always had when she walked into the diner. After all that had happened, she could still see it in his eyes. She broke down again, and this time, he gave in to his urge to hold her. He gathered her shaking frame against him, and softly stroked her hair while the sobs racked her body. She buried her head in Luke's comforting chest and let the tears come.

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When her sobs subsided, she pulled back from his embrace just enough to look into his eyes.

"I'm sorry too." He whispered, so softly that she could barely hear it. It was then that she realized she had not been the only one crying. She, Lorelai Gilmore, had brought down the great Mountain Man.

"I have to go home." he told her, suddenly conscious of the tears rolling down his face. He turned to leave, and felt her small hands on his arm, turning him back to face her.

"You already have, Luke." She said, praying that he wouldn't leave her standing there. She was risking everything she had left. He saw the fear and vulnerability in her eyes. He saw a flash of pain when she thought he would just leave without a word. He drew her closer.

"Just stand still" He whispered, half to himself. His lips crashed down to hers and he wrapped his arms around her slim waist. Her hands went around his neck, holding him as tightly as she could. As the kiss ended, he wrapped her in his arms and held her, and in that instant, she knew that he had always been the one.

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They walked back to Lorelai's in silence, Luke holding up the half-asleep Lorelai, his arm around her waist. He helped her up the stairs, then turned to leave when her voice stopped him.

"No, don't." She pleaded. "Just stay. Please, just hold me." He let out a breath he hadn't been aware of holding. He slipped into the bed beside her and wrapped his arms around her, and for the first time since the break-up, they both slept the rest of the night.


End file.
